I worry too much. About things I have no control over. It's 630 in the morning and I am up worried about paralyzed veterans. We got something in the mail from a group that does work with them. They clearly have someone doing good work for them. Still I am worried.
I went out with my friend Katie, who is 4 months post-baby and crazy to socialize, to a bar across from my former apartment downtown. I had one drink and immediately started getting maudlin. For some reason this sent me on a brain spiral of whether getting married was right, am I a good wife, was moving to Greenwood a good idea, will Andy ever be done with school and finally back to am I good wife. Again. Rinse repeat. I mean I am selfish, set in my ways, constantly in the air about having a baby and usually behave like a 13 year old girl with access to Cinemax. What the hell was I thinking getting married?!?!? I should have never looked at the Mommy Anxiety book at Barnes and Noble last night.
I'm also stuck thinking about my grandparents. Their anniversary would have been this month and it is also the month of my grandfather's death. I miss them. I miss some form of family to confer with. That's another reason being married is hard. I only have Andy's family. I need my mom. My sister is in San Diego so it's not like I can go over, smoke a menthol and complain about life with her.
Maybe I worry so much because at the end of it all I feel alone. Maybe it's because so much has changed. I've changed. I mean I had one life and now I have this life. This is a good life and I'm working towards what I want. Plans are planned and contructed for Japan and I am excited to teach again. The unknown is exciting and when I start feeling afraid of the unknown that's when I'll know I am old and ready for Shady Pines.
Maybe my brain will de-spazz soon and I can sleep a bit.