Saturday, March 7, 2009

I worry too much. About things I have no control over. It's 630 in the morning and I am up worried about paralyzed veterans. We got something in the mail from a group that does work with them. They clearly have someone doing good work for them. Still I am worried.

I went out with my friend Katie, who is 4 months post-baby and crazy to socialize, to a bar across from my former apartment downtown. I had one drink and immediately started getting maudlin. For some reason this sent me on a brain spiral of whether getting married was right, am I a good wife, was moving to Greenwood a good idea, will Andy ever be done with school and finally back to am I good wife. Again. Rinse repeat. I mean I am selfish, set in my ways, constantly in the air about having a baby and usually behave like a 13 year old girl with access to Cinemax. What the hell was I thinking getting married?!?!? I should have never looked at the Mommy Anxiety book at Barnes and Noble last night.

I'm also stuck thinking about my grandparents. Their anniversary would have been this month and it is also the month of my grandfather's death. I miss them. I miss some form of family to confer with. That's another reason being married is hard. I only have Andy's family. I need my mom. My sister is in San Diego so it's not like I can go over, smoke a menthol and complain about life with her.

Maybe I worry so much because at the end of it all I feel alone. Maybe it's because so much has changed. I've changed. I mean I had one life and now I have this life. This is a good life and I'm working towards what I want. Plans are planned and contructed for Japan and I am excited to teach again. The unknown is exciting and when I start feeling afraid of the unknown that's when I'll know I am old and ready for Shady Pines.

Maybe my brain will de-spazz soon and I can sleep a bit.


  1. Do I know you? I feel like I do, although I can't remember where from. Did you used to have a livejournal, maybe?

    The Shady Pines bit cracked me up. I hate that Golden Girls moved to the Hallmark channel because now, when it's over, Little House on the Prairie comes on and I always forget to change it, and just end up sitting there silently hating Michael Landon.

    Doubts are normal, and it's actually good that you're second-guessing because it means you're AWARE. I bet it wasn't a mistake getting married though, you guys look like a happy little couple. Are you wanting to have a baby? (you're like, not until 2pm, then at 4pm I won't be wanting to any more :))

  2. I wondered what the hell was up with stupid Lifetime. I've been sending them various hate emails about no Golden Girls. I don't have them to watch when I get ready for work in the A.M. How could they replace them for stupid Rita and Reba! Of all the douchebag names!

    Maybe! I am on LJ but I don't think I've added anyone or deleted anyone in ages.

  3. What is your name? I just changed mine to thehorror but it used to be deadvalentine. Do you know Joel, maybe (moz57)?

    I hate to say it but I don't really hate Rita or Reba :| Scary huh. I can't help it! I get totally sucked into family shows. I love Yes, Dear... actually I have a lineup of family programs I watch for the ENTIRE day while I'm doing house/craft stuff. Starting at 7am: Golden Girls, Malcolm in the Middle, Will & Grace, Desperate Housewives (family show?), Roseanne (yes!), take a lunch break and watch 30 Rock DVD, then back with: Yes, Dear, King of Queens, Everybody Loves Raymond, Friends.

    Holy cow. That's actually a bit frightening!

  4. I vaguely remember Joel. He used to be friends with a girl I was friends with named Lindsay. But that was ages ago. I'm Vainpoppy on LJ. I think you were the one who showed me how to make hearts! Maybe?
    I've lived in 4 states and one country since then!

    OMG You're worse than I am!! But I do love Desperate Housewives! I've noticed lately I am getting far too involved with Wife Swap, though. I think it feeds into my people-watching habit. One true love though, and the only redeeming quality Lifetime has left for me, is Frasier. I've never understood my fixation for Kelsey Grammar.

  5. Yes! Vainpoppy! That's so funny, small world. I think I know who she is too, edible_couture or something like that.

    Lifetime is Wifetime! Haha I have seen that show a couple of times but my boyfriend is actually the one who watches it the most. I've caught him. Humiliation! :)

    Where have you lived?? Holy cow. What country? Me too... after Joel and I broke up, I fell in love and moved to London. Lots of change. It didn't work out. But that's ok, I'm good where I'm at.

  6. So we knew one another in a past WIFETIME!!!

    Colorado, Minnesota, Mass, Virginia. Then after my mom died I decided I hated social work and took a trip. I went to India for 6 months. I loved it so much. I mean it's srsly hot and all the She-Laq in the world won't keep your eyeliner from melting but I loved it. I then came back, again, to Indiana and got a job making drugs for Lilly.

    I think sometimes I've learned the most from things that didn't work out, you know?

  7. I've been stalking your entries trying to find the one that had your email address in it but can't find it, and if you have a tracker I don't want you to think I'm crazy, so I'll just give you mine, ha-