Thursday, November 5, 2009
Every time Neil Gaiman posts a new blog I am insanely jealous. I wish I could be one of those people who travels without a care in the world. Aside from the fact he is an amazing writer...it just seems like everything he does is...magical. Why does that sound so Drew Barrymore-ish? How do people "get" talent like that? Am I blocking my own talent or do I just not have it? By talent I mean an ability to do what makes me happy and do what I am good at. I'm not sure what makes me happy or what I'm good at. I have an idea of what it might be...but then again I could just very well suck at everything.
I am really dwelling on the fact that by now I thought I would be the next Eve Ensler. I wanted to be in Bosnia working with the rape camp survivors. I did not want to be locked in place with relationships and generic responsibilities. After my mom died I gave up any desire to see patients or work with women on any level. I just do not care. I feel like I am selfish and only worry about what will make me feel better. Shopping, reading, etc. And it's all just a quick fix. None of it makes me quit worrying or obsessing. None of it makes me happy.
I wouldn't say I gave up my dreams to get married. It's just that it was never my dream to even get married. And I wouldn't say that being married prevents me from doing what I want. But in a way it does. It isn't easily explained but I know it's there. I knew in high school that "doing something" was my purpose. Being a housewife wasn't in that equation. But here I am...doing just exactly that.