Thursday, May 28, 2009

This is actually from LiveJournal.

Have you ever tried to change yourself for someone you were in a relationship with (or wanted to be in a relationship with)? Did it work?

I was thinking about this today. Well maybe more for the last 34 years.

I thought for the longest time that I changed in relationships for the other person. I think the real answer is I morph into someone else b/c I have this secret fear about how fucked up I am and that I can't let anyone know the truth. So I be what whoever needs me to be. My usual pattern is to blame the other person for not accepting me as is.

The problem with accepting someone as they are is that "as is" may not always be healthy. This is one of the biggest lessons Andy and I have learned. People always say you shouldn't be with someone that wants to "change" you. Well, maybe we should change in some cases.

The real me...the one that cuts up her body to cope, the one that drinks so she doesn't have bad dreams, the one that sleeps with everyone to just feel something, the one that obsesses over outside order b/c her inside is so chaotic, the one who won't go on high things b/c she's turned on by the thought of jumping, the one that no matter what she does CANNOT lose any weight and worries constantly her husband is ashamed of her...

That person is my own fault and creation. Honestly I've always been secretly mad that I could never find anyone to fix me. :/

No comments:

Post a Comment